Tu tene eum procul; Ego curram ob auxilium!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

I'm Fifty this Year -SheWhoMustBeObeyed Best Not Read This

Dear Diary,

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for
me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation
with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as
a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing
and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm
to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed,
but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess --
with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed
it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring,
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time
she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back
and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding
smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a
whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is
by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving
my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO
in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that
is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. She said some other **** too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips
were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my
shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any
human being has ever hated any other human being
in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body
I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat
her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps
I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering
machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why
I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However,
I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote
and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can go and thank GOD that this
week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife
(the witch), will choose a gift for me that is fun, like
root canal or a vasectomy.


Blogger Barbara said...


10:00 AM  

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